At the time, I believed I had great relationship skills, that I was someone very easy to get along with, and that I was an amazing catch. In my professional life, my interpersonal and teamwork skills were on point. People loved being in a team with me, and my group projects were often top in the class. I also watched all of Matthew Hussey's videos and read a lot of John Gray. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was ready for this.
Nope.
I have since learned that intimate relationships are a complex skill. One that is necessary to a fulfilling life yet not taught in school. One that is best learned through practice, as opposed to theory. And one I had no clue about.
How many silly things did I do in my first relationship? A LOT.
I had chosen five of my first relationship follies to share with you:
1. Choosing logic over emotion
Intimate relationships have a tendency to stir up deep emotional issues from the past. My previous post mentioned how I suppressed my emotions in favor of logic and reason. When feelings came up in my relationship with Exbae, I refused to acknowledge them. Instead, I tried to logic my way out of it and to bring a rationality to love. This applied for both painful and beautiful feelings that arose. For example, I told myself the exhilaration of falling in love was nothing more than a dopamine rush. And when our relationship ended, I tried to lessen the pain by telling myself it was just dopamine withdrawal (it didn't work).
I also tried to approach our relationship in a very logical, structured fashion. I have since learned that love is boundless, and trying to restrict it to rules is futile. For example, I tried to implement phases into our relationship:
- Phase 1 is what I called the "evaluation phase", where I evaluated the compatibility of Exbae. For example, I tried to identify situations where he was under stress to see how he responded.
- Phase 2 was the "commitment phase", where five key things would occur:
1. Exclusivity
2. Sex
3. Meeting parents
4. Label (e.g., boyfriend and girlfriend)
5. Social media tags
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with evaluating a potential partner and letting him in when you feel he is compatible with you. What I would refine is my very black and white approach.
My checklist was more logical than emotional (e.g., "what does he do for a profession?" compared to "do I feel safe around him?"). I thought that after the checklist is complete, we would move into Phase 2.
I didn't foresee all the gray area. i thought something would magically click when the checklist was complete, then all five things in Phase 2 would happen. Instead, I was plunged into a state of uncertainty, with perpetual new issues that my silly list did not encompass. Now, my perspective is that I think it is entirely possible to spend your whole life with someone without truly knowing if they are "the one". As Exbae frequently told me: learning about another person is a lifelong process.
I also learned that some of my Phase 2 items could help with evaluation. For example, how does he interact with my parents? Does he prioritize my needs in bed?
Most importantly, while logical criteria can provide solid guidelines, emotional criteria are just as important. Tony Robbins speaks of the six human needs, and the first four are crucial in a sustainable intimate relationship.
"1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure
2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others"
Humans are not robots, and in my future relationships, I will be placing a lot more emphasis on connecting with my emotions and how I feel around my partner. I also don't think I will restrict activities to clear cut phases. Relationships can take a myriad of forms, with different dynamics between different people. It will work better for me if I evaluate the decisions on a case by case basis. This also allows me to fully experience each moment and connect with myself to make a more wholehearted decision.
2. Building walls instead of creating invitations
Recently, I discovered another relationship coach, Helena Hart. Her material on setting boundaries as a high value woman really struck a chord with me. You can check out her YouTube channel here.
My interpretation of her work is that boundaries set as invitations are much more effective than building walls.
For example, if you need to be home early, a man is more responsive if you say: "I wish I could stay out longer with you, but I have to be home by 10pm because I have an early meeting next morning. Would that be okay?" instead of "Bring me home by 10pm or else I won't be seeing you again".
It reminded me of how I built walls with my ex in regards to his MLM. Instead of inviting him into my vision of a relationship, I imposed an ultimatum on him. I told him I would terminate the relationship if he showed no signs of leaving his "business" in one month's time.
While it is true that he was very unlikely to have left Amway/WWDB regardless of how I phrased my boundary, ultimatums in general are toxic to relationships.
Ultimatums suffocate love. They establish "my way, or the highway", which is not conducive to any partnership or team. I didn't provide Exbae any space to be "right". I didn't try to understand his side or show him I valued his input.
3. Never initiating
With Exbae, I never initiated affection. I never showed him how deeply I truly felt for him. I was never first with hugging, kissing, I love yous, or I miss yous.
Part of the reason was that I didn't want to "lead him on" because I wasn't yet certain of having him as a partner. But the core reason was my fear of vulnerability. As my previous post mentioned, I am highly insecure and afraid of being judged, especially by someone who I was trying to impress.
Vulnerability is the glue of emotional connection. A relationship is a two-way street. I know how great I feel when he initiates, but I chose not give him the same. It prevented us from having a deeper and richer relationship, and also prevented me from being and showing my authentic self.
4. Not respecting him
John Gottman describes four horseman of the apocalypse that predict the demise of a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Check out his video here
and a cute and helpful pdf here
He mentions the most harmful one is contempt/disrespect. Many sources have cited that love is essential for a woman while respect is central for a man. I definitely did not show Exbae respect. I did not trust his judgement, I did not respect him as a man, and I tried to force him to change.
5. Expecting to hit a home run when it's my first time holding a bat
In our modern Western society, it is very rare that your first love is the one you have for life. However, instead of treating my first relationship as a fun journey of discovery, I imposed heavy burdens of expectations upon both Exbae and I. As a perfectionist, I wanted my partner and my relationship to be perfect too. I projected his current traits into the future, and the traits that did not fit with my vision freaked me out. I tried to change him, to mold him into my ideal. All this, even though we weren't even officially boyfriend/girlfriend (we never mutually agreed to Phase 2).
In hindsight, that was unfair for both of us. I never truly got to know him and accept him. I could have used that chance to really learn about relationships and myself instead of trying to control all the details and forcing him to fit into an arbitrary vision.
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To end, I just wanted to note that everyone has different relationship needs. Things that didn't work for me may work very well for someone else. I'm just sharing my personal experiences and the lessons I took from them.
Thanks for reading! :)
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