I didn't approach him, and never knew if it was him, but I was very hung up emotionally for the next few days. My friend, whom I'll refer to as SaltySam, didn't understand. He wondered aloud what I would even say to him if we did have an opportunity for a conversation.
My response was this letter. Overall, I think writing this out helped to release a lot of my emotions, and move me one step closer to getting over him :) (And also reduces my desire to reach out to Exbae)
___________________________
Dear Exbae,
More than seven months has passed since we broke up. Getting over you has been more of a struggle than I thought. Everyday you cross my mind at least once. Part of it is that you are the first man I fell in love with, and first relationships usually leave a deep impression on us. Another part is that I have yet to find something or someone that could make me feel the way you made me feel.
When I was with you, I felt so accepted, understood, valued. I have never been loved in the way you loved me. It made me feel important, significant, seen. I remember that despite my strong fear of parental disapproval, our love gave me the strength to fight. I truly felt that our relationship was worth it. [Aside: My parents heavily disapproved of our relationship, to the point where Exbae was not allowed to come over for dinner]
I miss you so much. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the connection we had. I miss having you in my life. And it's not just the feelings, I miss you as a person very much. Your energy. Your kindness and generosity. Your art and creativity. Your cooking experiments. Your chivalry. The way you smiled. The way we looked at each other. Your eyes. Your smile. How you're always looking for ways to improve. How easily you can get along with anyone. You have such a beautiful soul. I miss [his cat's name] a lot too. And how it felt, like our little family of three. Losing you was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.
Recovery has been slow. By the third month post-breakup, I was no longer crying everyday. Maybe once a week when a particular song or memory hit. By the fourth month, I seemed to be feeling pretty good about myself. By the fifth month, I started a relationship with someone new. But deep down, the wound is still raw.
Yesterday was Nuit Blanche. I saw couples wrap their arms each other to keep warm, and to be close with each other. It brought back so many memories of the events we attended together. How I liked being outside, and how you would accommodate me, even though you hated being cold. How I liked to keep you warm by being as close to you as I can. How I could feel you shivering. How we would take off our gloves to hold hands. How close we felt when we sat by the fire at Luminaria. How we could have missed the last bus because you knew I really liked the bridge and you wanted to bring me there again. Our quiet winter walks, where it felt like just the two us in the world. You planned so many dates outside. I remember there was Christmas at the Legislature, Silver Skate Festival at Hawrelak. I remember the feeling of peace and warmth when you held me as we watched the carolling or performances. I remember not really paying attention to those performances, and just enjoying being in your arms.
As I was walking back to my car last night after the Nuit Blanche festivities, I saw you. I didn't see your face. I know your frame, your scarf, your jacket, your jeans, how you carry yourself. I remember walking past you and it took around six steps before all those parts clicked in my brain and I knew it was you. My feet kept walking while my head kept turning back. My heart wanted desperately to reconnect, but there was also something holding me back. One is that i had no idea what i wanted to do if I had your attention. Two is that I was afraid. Afraid of hurting you and myself again. Afraid you didn't want to see me. Afraid you hated me.
I know reconnecting is selfish on my part. I know you're probably better off never seeing or talking to me again. But I carry the pain of our lost connection. I carry the guilt of hurting you deeply. These are heavy burdens. Ones whose salvation is teasingly (and falsely) promised by reconnection.
I don't know what I want upon reconnection. I want to have you in my life again. I want to apologize for what I done for you. But I know we can't go back to what we had. I still don't see a long term relationship between us. I don't even know how a friendship would look like. I know that seeing you in person would just lead to conflict and (sexual) tension for both of us, while triggering the pain we had caused each other. It would be a dangerous emotional cocktail.
On the other hand, the thought of cutting you out of my life feels just as unreasonable. My attraction to you is still strong. I yearn for the feeling you gave to me. Losing our connection forever is frightening.
At the end of the day, what I do know is that I want you to be happy. To me, that looks like not reaching out to you and letting you live your life fully without me.
Recently I met a new mentor, and came across many relationship insights. I realized how destructive a lot of the things I did were to our relationship. I understand if you never want to see me again. I have been an immense source of pain in your life. There is a lot I need to apologize for. (More details of these can be found in my previous post).
I'm sorry for the last document I sent to you, the one where I listed all your "flaws". It was hurtful, disrespectful, emasculating. I tore you down to make the breakup easier on myself. I targeted our differences and basically told you that you were wrong for your beliefs and values. In fact, I shamed you for them. You didn't deserve to be judged so harshly and mistakenly. I didn't even allow myself to be open to your side of the story, and didn't give you a chance to be understood. I know not leaving you the space to be right was very unfair because I know you're just doing the best you can with what you have.
I'm sorry for my poor communication. I let my small resentments build up instead of letting you know when they were still small and workable. I tried to hide them, but that just made things worse. In the end, they led to the breakup and came out in a very hurtful manner in the document.
I'm sorry for how I handled my inner conflict. At the time, I did not know the importance of emotions in decision-making. I tried to suppress my emotions in favor of my logical brain. The build up of underlying pain eventually reached unmanageable levels and led me to suddenly break away and end our relationship. They led me to feeling "emotionally unstable" because I didn't know how to recognize and honor my emotions.
I'm sorry for how I broke up with you. It was very sudden, very one-sided. I didn't give you a voice or a chance. I was afraid I would change my mind and enter the torturing state of inner conflict I was in leading up to the breakup.
I'm sorry for imposing Phase 1 and Phase 2 on our relationship. It was so rigid and judgemental.
I'm sorry for trying to change you.
I'm sorry for not respecting your opinions and for not trying to understand your motivations.
I'm sorry I couldn't give to you what you gave to me.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for helping me learn.
Thank you for your courage and patience.
Thank you for your generosity.
Thank you for helping me feel not alone.
Thank you for teaching me to dream.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish for your happiness.
All the best,
Granny
___________________________________
"
'Cause I took so much time to reset my life
But in just one look, I'm back
Forget that I could have any one I like
But now all I remember is what we had
But in just one look, I'm back
Forget that I could have any one I like
But now all I remember is what we had
"
Nobody Compares to You- Gryffin
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